Unemployment: Week 14

The prehensile proboscis has become denser and more rigid. Typing is becoming more arduous as my fingers are now fused and the skin has almost completely hardened into exoskeleton.

One advantage is that my prism-like multi-chambered eyes process information much faster than the old ones, such that while viewing a rental video (in this case, Magnolia), instead of being tricked into the illusion of continuous movement, my new eyes detect a series of still photos — 24 per second. It is more like browsing through a very lengthy art gallery than what used to pass as “movie viewing.”

I expect that soon I will be able to comfortably walk on the walls and ceiling, but as yet my gripping pads have not sufficient adhesion. I sent off my unemployment voucher this morning.

I am beginning to get strange looks from the general public. Candy bars and other high-sugar-content foods are transitioning from occasional treats to much-needed staples. On the downside to my new feeding habits, I’ve developed a strong taste for feces and decaying organic matter.

This period of transition has not been beneficial to my sex life — the old, human appendage fell off weeks ago, and I haven’t quite figured out what to do with the new one (it’s not like I’m likely to run into many 6-foot metamorphosing single fly-humans in the neighborhood anyway).

I suppose that in the near term I will be losing my capacity for human-level thought. ##Fk888llksjowww222@bzzz. See what I mean?

I continue to receive daily e-mails announcing job postings from the aptly named “Monster.com.” But even in the earlier weeks, when I’d go in for an interview, the interviewers could sense something was not quite right. Perhaps it was the nearly full-blown transition of my body hair into dark, thick cilia.

On the bright side, I don’t much miss shaving.

Gotta go — I’ve detected the scent of an old egg yolk in someone’s garbage.

Love,

F