Krawkawkaw Gives A Little

Krawkawkaw, the crow god, possessed more power than any other god, but he never used it. And when he did use it, he used it in subtle and confusing ways. Perhaps he would manifest himself as a man-sized crow with human feet out in the middle of the swamp where there was no one to see him. Perhaps he would cause the goiter on your neck to grow into the image of your Uncle Nesbitt’s face. Who could say? The pre-Christian Cajuns believed that Krawkawkaw created the world and everything in it. For that he was despised by men and gods.

Krawkawkaw said, “Believe whatever you want.”

Ancient Cajun gumball carvings tell the story of the first first cousins: Odysseus Boudreau and Agamemnon Boudreau-Latiolas. They were the best of friends until Krawkawkaw came upon them hunting mullet in the forest. Krawkawkaw caused a mighty weariness to come upon the two first cousins, so that they lay their heads on beds of nettles and went to sleep. Then Krawkawkaw crept up on them, and whispered into Odysseus Boudreau’s ear.

Krawkawkaw whispered, “Jolie.”

Odysseus Boudreau woke up angry, and shook Agamemnon Boudreau-Latiolas.

“What for you say ‘jolie,’ when I try to sleep, Agey?” said Odysseus Boudreau.

“Mais, I didn’t say nothing, me,” said Agamemnon Boudreau-Latiolas. “Put you little head down and sleep.”

Odysseus Boudreau went back to sleep, but again Krawkawkaw whispered close in his ear. Krawkawkaw said, “Jolie.”

Odysseus Boudreau woke up again.

“Hey, you stop that jolie! You want me to get the plien de gaz gonflé?”

“I not jolie, you,” said Agamemnon Boudreau-Latiolas, and went back to sleep. But Odysseus Boudreau was so angry, he picked up his mullet axe and smote his first cousin in the neck.

“Ah, mais!” said Agamemnon Boudreau-Latiolas, as his head rolled away from his body.

“I am smote! Curse these nettles where I lay my only begotten head.”

And since that day, people avoid nettles because they make you itch.

“Agony, agony!” shouted Odysseus Boudreau.

“I have slain my only first cousin. Oh me, I’m unpleasantly horrified.”

“Now you know,” said Krawkawkaw. And before he left, he pecked out both of Odysseus Boudreau’s eyes.

The mullet saw the whole episode from up high in a tree, and was so disgusted that he vowed never again to live on dry land. To this day, mullet is a fish that only lives in the water.

Krawkawkaw said, “Live wherever you want.”

Cajun tales tell how the world was created: In the beginning, there was only Nawnaw, the giant nutria-rat who chewed eternally on his own rat tail. He had to chew something, and since he was the only thing that existed, he chewed his own tail.

One day he had a headache, and Krawkawkaw burst forth from his head fully formed. A lot of other gods also burst out as well: Mumumu, the crawfish god; Mesqualo, the mosquito god; Trarinring, the water moccasin god; Grobalob, the garfish god; and Pesky the squirrel god.

Nawnaw, the cosmic nutria, dropped his tail out of his mouth and began to eat these new gods. Nobody knew what to do except Krawkawkaw, who pecked out Nawnaw’s eyes and killed him. The other gods were very grateful, and elected Krawkawkaw as their king.

Krawkawkaw said, “Whatever you want, I’ll do it.”

Krawkawkaw went to the body of the cosmic nutria, and began ripping it apart with his beak. From the rat’s ears he made air; from it’s blood he made the sun and moon; from the tail he made water and some dirt; from the back left paw he made some more dirt and clouds. He still had a lot left over, so he started making things real quick: cypress knees, figs, the milky way, shrimp, heartworms, and people.

Krawkawkaw looked at everything, and saw how good it was.

But the other gods couldn’t have liked it less.

They said “Why did you make the days so long? How come the water’s so blue? Why did you make just one moon — wouldn’t a hundred have been better?” Right away, they voted to make Krawkawkaw not their king anymore.

Nevertheless, the first people, who were all Cajuns, worshipped Krawkawkaw. They lived in a lovely land called the Early Garden. They would go out into the woods, and carve the tallest cypress knees into totem poles in Krawkawkaw’s likeness. They had wild orgies in his honor where they danced naked and barefoot in the mud, and the kids who were born would be consecrated to Krawkawkaw. To do this, they kissed the baby once on each eye, to ensure that Krawkawkaw would not peck out those eyes. It didn’t always work.

Krawkawkaw said, “I’m easy to get along with.”

Once there was a great drought, and the Cajuns were dying of thirst. All their crops were cracked and brown, and they had blisters on their feet. The people cried out to Krawkawkaw, but he didn’t hear.

The greatest of Cajun shaman called for a big ceremony to take place on top of the highest mountain in all of Early Garden. The Cajuns all cried out to Krawkawkaw, and he appeared in the form of a man-sized crow with human arms. One of his arms had a yam tattooed on it.

“Oh great Krawkawkaw,” said the shaman, whose name was Shaman Francois de la Croix, “Our land is bitter and dry.”

“Yes it is,” said Krawkawkaw.

“Don’t you have a lot of water up in your palace in the sky?” asked Shaman Francois de la Croix. “Gallons and gallons?”

“I got more than that,” said Krawkawkaw. “I got infinity.”

“Oh please,” said all the Cajuns. “Wouldn’t you give just a little?”

“I will,” said Krawkawkaw. “Jolie.”

As soon as he said that, clouds came and covered the sky, and it started to rain a lot. At first the Cajuns were very happy, but it didn’t stop raining when it should have. It kept raining until all of their crops were flooded and drowned. Then their houses washed away, and trees fell on their heads. All of the tall castles and cities that the Cajuns had built on top of the mountains came loose and slid down into the mud.

Then the mountains themselves got washed away. The mountains turned into mud, the medium-sized hills turned into mud, and the valleys turned into mud. Everything was just mud, mud, mud. This went on for such a long time, everyone became exasperated.

When it was over, the Cajuns had nowhere to live. Wherever they stepped, they sank up to their bony Cajun knees in mud. They couldn’t paddle across the mud in their pirogues because it was too thick. They couldn’t build a house on it because the house would sink. All they could do was slop around in it, so that’s what they did.

After many years, it got a little better but not much. There were some areas that were just water, and they could fish there. There were some areas that were almost dry land, and they could have a house there for a little while before it sank. But it wasn’t what they wanted.

Krawkawkaw said, “That’s how it is.”

Many ages later, the first missionaries began to arrive from Europe. They brought gunpowder and strong liquor, both of which the Cajuns liked a lot. They also brought a new god for the Cajuns to worship: the Baby Jesus.

“But we’ve already got a god,” said the Cajuns.

“This is a new one,” said the missionaries.

The missionaries explained that this new god was strong and loving. Everything this new god did, they said, was out of love. Also, if they obeyed a few simple rules, they would go to Heaven when they died. Heaven was supposed to be very much like the Early Garden used to be, before Krawkawkaw flooded it out.

This sounded like a great deal to the Cajuns, but they were afraid Krawkawkaw would be angry if they stopped worshipping him.

But Krawkawkaw said, “That’s all right. Y’all do that new thing.”

So, the Cajuns worshipped Baby Jesus. They went out into the swamp and cut down all the cypress knee totem poles with Krawkawkaw’s face on them — that’s why, to this day, you don’t see cypress knee totem poles with Krawkawkaw’s face in Louisiana. They also did their best to erase all drawings of Krawkawkaw, and made their brains forget all the Krawkawkaw stories they had ever heard. (This wasn’t hard, since all Krawkawkaw stories tended to have the same plot: Krawkawkaw meets someone in the forest, Krawkawkaw plays a trick on them, Krawkawkaw pecks their eyes out.)

Years passed, and the Cajuns waited in vain for their lives to get better. But they still had many of the same problems that they had before: not enough food and clothing, and too many floods. So they said to the priests, “We thought this new god was strong. How come he let these bad things happen?”

The priests said, “It is because you have broken the ten commandments. Your sin has brought hardship on you.”

This shocked the Cajuns. Could they be responsible for the bad things that happened to them? What had they done that was so bad? They tried to remember, but it just seemed like the same stuff they had always done: stealing chickens and coveting their neighbors’ pirogue.

This new god was a real stickler for rules. Krawkawkaw had never cared what they did — in fact, Krawkawkaw didn’t always remember them from one visit to the next. The Cajuns realized they’d have to adjust.

So the Cajuns stole less chickens and spent less time coveting pirogues. They stopped mouthing off to their parents and sleeping with other peoples’ spouses. It wasn’t easy, and the strain showed in their faces — they all developed these puckered little mouths from pressing their lips together so tight with the strain of being good. That’s why, to this day, Cajuns are called “Coon Asses.”

Still, things didn’t improve. Even the new churches they built for the Baby Jesus god sank down in the mud. The Cajuns said to the priests, “You said this new god was all love. But he don’t give us nothing!”

The priests said, “God knows everything, and he knows what’s really good for you. Endless suffering helps you, it’s just that your mind is too small for to understand how.”

The Cajuns were completely bowled over. Krawkawkaw had pecked out their eyes and flooded them out of their homes, but he had never called them stupid.

Now they were in a jam — either they could stay with the new god, and accept that they were evil and stupid, or go back to worshipping Krawkawkaw. Except they couldn’t really go back to worshipping Krawkawkaw, because they had been away from him for so long that he had begun to seem silly. A giant crow with human ears? Carving cypress knees into totem poles? Orgies in the mud? They felt they were above that now.

So the Cajuns pressed their wrinkled little lips together even tighter and went on with their lives. They consecrated their babies to Baby Jesus, and those babies grew up without knowing who Krawkawkaw was. Eventually, the last of the old Cajuns died off, and no one remembered the old ways.

And Krawkawkaw said, “Jolie!”

This story originally appeared in the literary magazine Exquisite Corpse.